My husband lost his mother recently. Being the only son, he was expected to perform all the rites. And he did. Most earnestly. The rituals are very severe amongst Brahmins, requiring the Karthru (person performing the rites) to take cold water ablutions a dozen times while performing the rites, skipping dinner, etc.. Many of you may have already started disagreeing with me, arguing that if one were to look after the parents well during their lifetime, it doesn’t necessitate a person to perform meaningless rites. But that is not my contention now at all. I personally feel that performing a few rites with a belief that life after death will be easy for someone you love, is not much of a burden if you really cared for that person. You may say that there is no life after death or that you don’t believe in all that....But you have never been there yet and so have I not....Hence, I prefer to err on the better side and hope the best for my forefathers.

            Well, as I said earlier, to do or not to do is not my argument in this post. It has more to do with the living than with the dead.

            I love my parents (both of who are still alive) as much, if not more than my husband loved his mother. But being a man, he is at a distinct advantage. He can rightfully perform all the proscribed rituals. But the mere physical flaw(?) of being trapped in a woman’s body precludes me from doing the same to my parents in future.

            The very thought that something which I can’t help prevents me from performing one of the hallowed rituals for people whom I love has left me deeply distressed. I realized this fact only yesterday when my husband would return home daily after performing the rituals with a sense of completeness and gratitude. I felt envious for being denied this privilege. Why am I not entitled to do the same? Do the scriptures differentiate the love of a daughter to be inferior to that of a son? Does love and concern have a sexist slant too?

 As my parents have only two daughters, neither of us can hope to achieve the ‘greatness’ that even a responsibility shrugging,  parent bashing male is entitled to. Our love and concern is far below his rights in the ladders of this society.

When a girl is born, insensitive people say that there will be no one to perform the rites for the couple. They all sympathize with the parents. Has anyone given a thought what it does to the psyche of the girls? They must also be pitied. For not being allowed to say thank you and show gratitude for the parents they loved and who had reared them, loved them and educated them in parallel to any other male in the society.

I am extremely pained and depressed. I want only the best for my parents--- the least I could do to reciprocate their love. Why do not all the religious heads in the society work out a solution for this impasse? I request all the learned elders in Sulekha to shed some light on this issue. I would be really grateful.